Thank God for Music... And Surgeons!

Yesterday was just a fucked up day. I was cranky, sad, and really angry at a friend.  People that care made it better though.

I am so sick of being taken advantage of by this one "friend".  I've decided to say Fuck you, and just finish out my word I gave her by picking up her girls from school (whom I love lots)... And then disconnect with her after school is out.  We're fucking moving anyway so it really doesn't matter.  But why are people always so about themselves? Fucking selfish people suck balls.  I do and do and do to try to help people. BUT GOSH DARNIT. NO MORE.  FUCK them. LOL GRRRR....

Okay, so maybe today's not a fantastic day either. HAH. On the bright side my af is almost gone... And I'm doing OPK's this month to see where I'm at! Yeeehaw... POAS here I come. HAH.

I am heading to the chiropractor next week... YAY! Maybe it will help?  If not Walter Reed/Bethesda here I come! No wait list for IVF! Fuck yes!

I met the most amazing person on the wives forum on FB for Ft. Meade... She's amazing and I think we're going to be great friends! It's nice to know I'm making friends before I even get there!!!!

I just want my gallbladder to come out!!! I can't take the pain much longer.  I go to the surgeon on Tuesday. Thank GOD!  I'm about to go out of my mind with this garbage of hurting when I eat and drink... Fuckin shitty as functioning gallbladder. Grrr... LOL

I'm ready for whatever this year brings to me... So far, it's been good!!! :) Can't wait to see what else is in store. Hope all my ladies are good. Think about ya all the time and pray for ya'll!! <3

It's been music and hubby keeping me sane these last few weeks... Tomorrow is a facial at the spa with two of my best friends! Love it!

Osama FUCKING Bin Laden is....

FUCKING DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAHHHHH Buuuuuuddddddddyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!  Sorry... But I don't think it will stop the war unfortunately... It's going to make things worse... Retaliation on us... But at least the bastard is burning in HELL!

I Won't Let Go...Ft. Meade...Saying Goodbyes...

Holy Moly it's been a long ass time since I've written on here...January... Lots has happened since then.

Let's see... My cyst from the last post eventually went away... I did start injections but got really sick and had to discontinue... So since then I've NOT made it back don to San Antonio to the fertility doctor.  It's been one thing after another... And I'm starting to feel sad and bitter again, but oh well it's in God's hands now... Such is life right?

We are moving in 72 days.  HOLY SHIT!  It's going to be so exciting to be close to a big city again!!  In Baltimore, there are at least 5 EXCELLENT clinics that accept TRICARE insurance! I can't wait!  We get on the housing list next week and leave Texas on July 13th, my birthday!!!!!  I will have four seasons again and can't wait to experience the EAST COAST!

My friend and her son are staying with us until they PCS.  She just got home from Afghanistan and is so happy to be home! I missed her so much and it's nice to have her back!  She's amazing.  AND... We will only be like 2 hours away from each other at our next duty stations!

Some days I get down about not being a mom yet.  I do feel as if I've failed my husband some days, but I have the most amazing support and love from him through this "journey".  I hate seeing women treat their children poorly.  It disgusts me... I just love babies and can't wait to have my own.

I've been feeling very upset and blah this week.  I miss my angel, even though it was a short lived pregnancy.  It's just not fair sometimes, but God's got us. :)  It's almost a year (next week the 5th) that I had my miscarriage and ALL I've seen ALL week is freaking stupid pregnant ladies and new babies.  I know it shouldn't disgust me, but I truly was not happy that they had something I didn't.  The thought of the mother who drove her kids into the Hudson really got to me.  I don't believe that everybody has the capabilities and love to be a mother.  I feel that God's gift is sometimes abused and taken for granted.

So the moving stress begins of talking to TMO, finding post housing, traveling across country.  We are making a pit stop in my home town which will be nice.  I'm ready to gamble a bit in the mountains and just relax.  It also really sucks to have to say good bye to all my friends and go meet new people... UGH!  It's not easy on my business either, but luckily I can start back up where ever I go and get new clients!  :)

I honestly have NOT bought ANYTHING baby... Even though I see things all the time, I don't want to jinx us by buying all sorts of things and then never get pregnant again.  Maybe I will change my thinking on this...

I am hoping my gallbladder will come out soon since I've been having issues with it for over a month and a half now.  ANNOYING!  I can't eat without hurting, drinking is starting to hurt... It's got to come out because I'm OVER IT!  It's only functioning at 33%... So ow I wait to see the surgeon on the 10th! YAY!  Typically I hate surgery and have had plenty of them, but this is just not OK to hurt all the time... Plus side though, I'm 13 lbs lighter!!!!!!!! YAY! LOL.

I will try to keep up more on blogging... Baby dust to those trying and healthy babies to those who are pregnant! :)

WhoooHoooo! Finally.. HAH.

YAY!  Today is CD 1!!! After like 3 days of spotting!  Oh thank God! Now all I am hoping for is that my stupid CYST is GONE GONE GONE!  I don't want it anymore, but thank you ovaries.

I had a great weekend relaxing with my husband!  It was so nice to just spend time together and relax.   I also had a great break from school, today I am starting back! YAY!

This is just a short rant, but yesterday I read a story online, and it made me absolutely SICK!
A couple in Australia aborted their twin boys so they could do IVF again to get a daughter.  I couldn't fucking believe this... They don't deserve ANY kids! NONE!  They deserve to be fucking sterilized... There is people who CAN'T conceive, or have trouble and they want to go and abort twins because they want a girl?  Oh I hope when their time comes at the Gates, that they are punished for their selfishness...I just can't get over how obnoxious that story is.  It beyond disgusts me.

Well here's to everyone having a great day and week, and here's good luck to all the ladies trying this month and next month!!!!!! :)

My Want vs. Their Suggestions

I am FINALLY feeling better after almost a whole month being sick!  Began with pink eye, had two colds, and then bronchitis, and now I'm feeling almost 100 % up to par!!!

Well, lets start with the holiday season.  My hubby and I drove to Fresno to see his family, and I was beyond excited!  It was a long drive from Texas to California, but it gave him and I lots of time to catch up and spend some quality time together.  We had an AMAZING Christmas and New Year!  It was so nice being with his family for the holiday!  I miss them so much and so wish we lived closer together.  I am so lucky that we never have any "in-law" issues between our families or hubby and I.  We all get along very well.  I ate so much at his mom and dad's house, I could have not eaten for another week after we left. LOL...  But overall it was an awesome trip and I couldn't have asked for a better time with my family and hubby.

Before we went to Fresno, I had a doctor's appointment in San Antonio to go over new options since I DIDN'T EVEN FREAKING RESPOND to Clomid... And thankfully by the grace of God, my doctor didn't even want to TRY Clomid again! YAY!  So since we were going on vacation to Fresno, we decided to put me on 18 days of Provera to induce/delay my period until we got home, so I would be able to have San Antonio readily accessible for my baseline sonogram.  Well, I had a funky period, I bled one day, then spotted for a few before and after that.  Well I go on "CD 3" (cycle day 3) for an ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries, I was positive and UPBEAT, knowing that I would be starting my Menopur injections that day after we got the OK.  After my 3 hour commute there, I was excited and couldn't wait to get the "go ahead".  Well hell, if you know anything about my life, it must ALWAYS have something get in the way of something going right. HAH. Not always, but usually.  Well lo and behold, my left ovary looked good, onto the right... FUCK... I hear her pause and say "Well there's a cyst that's way to big for us to begin injections".  FUCK FUCK FUCK.  That was my only thought.  I was angry and sad and just plain irritated.  GALL DARNIT... You've got to be fucking kidding me right?  Was my initial reaction to hearing about the big ol' stupid cyst.  So they gave me two options:   1. Do birth control for 3 weeks and see if it makes the cyst go away or 2.  do a progesterone injection to RE-INDUCE my stupid period for the 2nd time in 2 weeks and see if the cyst goes away.  Well fuck, what do I do?  The stupid injection cost 50 bucks, which is not ALOT, but it's enough... And birth control?  Really? I don't want to wait another 3 weeks... FUCK... So I decided to suck up the payment (Tricare won't cover)  and pay the 50 bucks and get stuck in the butt.  HAHA.  My bum still aches, fucking needles. So here I sit, today, 6JAN2011... waiting for my retarded period to start AGAIN.  Good Granny, I can't even begin to explain the emotional issues and ups and downs I have with this.

I would like to say I fine with it, and it will happen one day... But dammit, I want our family to begin completing itself already.  I've been very fortunate to be able to spend time with my husband as a "couple sans kids"  because I feel it's made us very strong and we have an even better bond and love now then we did 2 years ago.  :)  I know my friends get sick of hearing about fertility and my being "sad" or "angry", but you want to know the truth?  I get sick of hearing about your fucking kids! HAH.  So there. LOL.. That's how I feel sometimes, especially when people are complaining about their kiddos.  LIKE really?  Well fuck you, trade me.

My last two nights have been filled with helping a friend who is a head coach (volunteer) for cheerleading, and I am her assistant coach.  It's fun!  It's actually for a large church group with many churches here in SA combined together for sports.  There are total for all sports including cheerleading, 350 kids! WOW!  So my friend and I coach 3rd and 4th graders!  It's a lot of fun!  I enjoy it, and I always love to volunteer my time!  Although I haven't seen my "little" since before Christmas, I am hoping she returns my call soon!  I love that program also, and I think even after I have kids, I may still volunteer with Big Brothers Big Sisters.

So, I know some people reading this may think I am absolutely crazy or insane, oh well it's their opinion.    If you Believe, you do.  If don't Believe, I don't fault you.  So I have always had a gift of being able to sense the presence of spirits that are stuck in between crossing over and those who are mingling around.  I am not sure how I have this gift, and as I've grown older, it has gotten stronger, although it was pretty strong as a kiddo.  I can sense when spirits enter my house and most of the time (not all) I can sense their intentions or "aura" if you will.  In english, I usually can tell if they are good or bad.  :)  I have always been a believer in God of course, and He is my life, the one who protects me and my family and provides for us;  But I also believe that when there is Good, there must be evil.  I don't ever really acknowledge the evil, as I only want and only ACCEPT GOOD and God in our house.  I know that sometimes when I am feeling lost or upset in my life, for me, it sometimes allows my mind to become more perceptive to that evil, and it has caused some disturbance in my life before.

Onto my story... When we moved into our first house here in Texas, in the first few nights we were there we were sleeping in the living room on air mattresses with nothing else in the house.  I woke up around 3:10am needing to pee (as normal) , then decided I was thirsty.  So after I peed I went and stood at the kitchen counter and drank a glass of water, then laid back down.  I was WIDE awake at this point.  I turned onto my side, closed my eyes and tried to drift off.  (One of my biggest issues is insomnia, falling and staying asleep.)  So I was still awake when all of a sudden I hear this God awful, EVIL, nasty deep growl in my ear.  I can honestly say with everything I have ever experienced in life that is fearful, this tops them all.  It wasn't human, it wasn't animal.  I can't even describe it, I get chills still writing about this.  I immediately flew my eyes open, nothing there.  I screamed and began crying and was pretty sure my husband thought I lost my mind that night.  I tried to tell him what I heard and he couldn't explain it and tried to comfort me to go back to sleep.  I didn't sleep again until the sun came up.  This pattern of no sleep went on for a few days.  Nothing else happened, but I just didn't feel right and at peace.  Fast forward about 3 or 4 months....

I had not encountered anything else after that day, all I knew is that the house just didn't "feel" right.  My husband and I were in a dead, dead sleep...To preface this, I had been rearranging furniture in my spare rooms and cleaning things out still from our move that day previously.  We were fucking woke up by this loud, loud bang, which made him and I think someone was trying to break into our house.  We FLEW out of bed, butt ass naked and were searching the house.  Nothing was wrong, no windows broke, all doors secure... Until I walk in to the main spare bedroom.  We have a 3 tier glass entertainment center about 3 ft tall by 4.5 ft wide, you get the picture.  Well all the tiers are glass.  The middle glass piece (which is supported by metal pegs and suction cups holding it in place, very sturdy by the way) was laying directing on top of the lowest piece of glass.  This is what caused the huge BANG.  Well, I know for a fact I checked those pegs and made sure it was still stable after I moved all the furniture in that room.  All my contents on the middle level were laying on the floor not knocked over or anything.  I was like WHAT  THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE.   Well, needless to say again, I didn't sleep until the sun came up, and my husband actually stayed home with me until the sun was up and skipped PT that day for me.  I was fucking out of my mind terrified.  I knew something wasn't right. The way the glass landed and the rules of fucking gravity would have made that glass break and would have not been laying directly ON TOP of the other piece.  Had it slipped, the pegs would have moved it.  I have been through EVERY stinking option and possibility, but nothing worked out.

That day later in the morning, after talking with my mom and dad, who know my little gift, my mom suggested I talk to her friend who is a medium.  He is truly amazing and I love this guy!  He helped me through this, and gave me many ways to get these spirits to leave, yes you heard me right, I had 3 UGLY evil spirits making my life a living hell.  I wouldn't shower with the curtain closed, it had to be wide open, I would stay out of my house during the day until my husband got home from work, I knew something was watching me.  Well he was able to communicate with "them" and told them to leave my house, that didn't work, they said ok, well we will come to yours then.  He was automatically assured that we needed to take a more "angry, stern, NO BS" approach.  I walked around this house so so so many times, as did my husband, and told these spirits to leave, they weren't welcome and to get the hell out of our house.  We had to do this many many many times for a couple days until they passed on.  Come to find out, the original owners of this house had a son who was involved in gang activity, which is evil in itself, and he had been killed.  Well, after talking to my friend, we figured out this house was his connection and he was evil.  They also messed with my Stewie baby.  I was on the couch watching TV one day during the day( which was normally was pretty quiet, yet still not right), and Stewie was on the floor, and (he's always been my clue and reassurance that I am not losing my mind, because he feels and sees it, I can only feel it) he was looking away from me, facing the bookcase, and all of a sudden this poor dog jumped so damn high, straight up in the air, as he would do if I had come up behind him and poked him when he was unaware.  That was my last straw, and absolutely set me off.  I got so angry and started talking shit and telling "them" to fuck with me, but you can't fuck with my dog.  I called my friend, and he said to be firm and strong again, and luckily, later that same night, "they" left and we had the most peaceful household.  I could automatically feel the peace and God's love again.

I know for sure God is what gets me through the "adventures" and incidents I have.  I am lucky to have a supportive husband who always stands by me and never thinks I'm crazy.  He always loves me and listens.  I love him more than LIFE itself.  I could never ask for a better partner in life.  Between the awesome family, God, and wonderful friends I have in life, they are how I keep going, and what makes life fun to live for! :)

I've got many more stories, and actually I'll write tomorrow, because it's been so helpful tonight!  Thanks for reminding me to Blog my DEAR friend Kat! Love you so much girly, and thanks for being there for me, you're truly my long lost "cyster"! <3 you.    

Catching up in this crazy world...

So today is a day I need to vent and write A LOT!

To first catch up, I loved spending the Turkey Day holiday with my family and husband.  It was so nice... I miss them terribly, but I sure do love my life with my husband... And I am more than excited to go see my family in Fresno for Christmas!!! :)  

I am really freaking tired of hearing people complain and bitch about their fucking children and how they never have any time anymore, and all they want is some time to themselves... Like really? What the fuck did have kids for then???  I swear the next person to bitch about their kids or pregnancy will get a piece of my mind and that will most likely be last of that friendship.  

I am driving SIX hours (which I don't mind so much anymore)  JUST TO TRY TO GET PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!  I would love for someone to walk in my shoes for a month and feel the extreme disappointment and emotions that goes along with trying to conceive... I so love my husband, he's got humor that I need and gives me all the support and love in the world... We were joking the other night and he says to me, "Babe, I think we're going about this the wrong way, maybe if we do drugs and drink, go on welfare and party all the time, it will happen and you will get pregnant..."  I LOVE THIS! He's soooo right... People who do crack and heroin get pregnant all the time... LOL... No, I'm kidding, we'd never do that of course...

After the bad news that this cycle was freaking pretty much a bust... I am feeling angry and sad, but also positive and hopeful for the next cycle... It's such an up and down roller coaster of emotions...On top of that, I've decided that as a Colorado native, I hate freaking Texas drivers... They suck... But on the up side I DID NOT hit any deer today!!! :)  

So in the Army wives community, there are some that can be sooo gosh darned bitchy and ridiculous!  If someone hit's your garage door, I'd expect them to pay for it, and if I hit someones, I'd pay for it also... My point is, people act so much higher than thou and hoity toity... UGH!  We're having our battalion Xmas party Friday so I am excited for that, and I'm cooking a ham and a side dish... I wish more people would be pumped up about this kind of stuff because it's so important to have Army pride especially at an Airforce base!!!! BOO. LOL.  

OMG!!!! the Broncos coach was FIRED!!! PRAISE the LORD!!!! Okay, I hope my stinkin' Broncos get their shit together now!!!!!!!!!!  I almost tempted to start rooting for Dallas... Omg... 

I am reading the second book right now, "assholes finish first", it's the second book by Tucker Max after he wrote "I hope they serve beer in hell"... He's so chauvinistic and gross, but I LOVE IT!!!!!!  I think I've got portions of my brain that are more along the lines of a man than woman... HAH!  

I really can't wait to see my hub's fam!  I am so lucky to have such wonderful in-laws...  And God Bless my mother in-law for being such a good lady to everyone!  

Knowing that I have family and friends to lean on during TTC, makes this journey much more bearable... Kat, you are so awesome and have made my day so much better many times when I needed a life me up, or just someone to vent to... You so rock.  :) Thanks Hunny!  I always tell my hubby and parents thank you for their support, so I won't mention it again... :)  I think I may go get a bottle of wine... I feel deserving and lush-ish (hehehe) tonight! :) 

For now... This is Kate signing off... My thought for the day... "You bring your Karma to you..." 

What Possessed Me to Blog...

So after giving this much thought, and reading other people's blogs, I feel that I have enough to say every day about SOMETHING, so I have started this "journey".

I really won't have a main theme for my blog, just whatever is going on that day in my life.  I am Trying to Conceive so that will be in here, also any personal rant, political, what ever comes out of my mouth will go here.  My life is all real, I curse like a sailor, love my friends and family, truly love and enjoy being an Army wife, treat my dog Stewie like a kiddo, and always vote conservative. :)

So I'd like to give a BIG F-You to the medications I am taking, they make me, we'll just say "not myself".  I sometimes sit and wonder to myself what the hell is going on in my freaking body and why I can't just get pregnant.  I have friends who have kids, some on their 2nd or more, who DON"T NEED kids.  Really?  We're struggling to conceive one, and your dick-wad of a "husband" looks at you and you get pregnant?  What the fuck, over.  It disgusts me beyond belief.

I torture myself by watching stupid shows like "16 and Pregnant" and "Teen Mom"...  But I do have a good laugh most of the time because of their struggles, I know we won't struggle.  Not saying having kids isn't hard and stressful, but there's a difference between struggling and NOT.  I had someone in my life for a long time, she was my best friend for years.  She's battled bulimia and I'm sure still does, has no motivation in life, is with a piece of shit loser guy, lives with her mother in-law, treats her family like shit, and got pregnant before I did.  I am most bitter over that whole situation.  I don't know why I dwell on it, but Jebus, really?  My husband and I have a wonderful marriage, we've got a home, we're stable, I'm going to school, only a half a year until I have my associates degree, and all we're doing is trying to add on to our beautiful little family.

Now, people who know me know I have PCOS (Poly cystic ovary syndrome), which is the reason for the infertility.  Along with PCOS comes unwanted weight which is constantly a battle for me, acne which has NEVER in my life been so bad (I look like I'm 13), and hormonal issues (GOD BLESS MY HUSBAND HE'S A SAINT).   All I have ever wanted was to be a mom, which I inadvertently told my NOW husband on our FIRST date.  WHAT THE FREAK WAS I THINKING?  Oh well, he obviously liked me, we're together now 2 and a half years later.  I just sometimes don't know what God is doing giving crack whore women babies, or giving them to people who don't want kids.

It's been trying on my faith and my relationship with God, as we've gotten deeper into this journey, but I still believe he will pull us through anything and give us our family.

This is just a brief "blog" test to see if I've got what it take! ;) HAHA... Screw that, I know I do...Mrs. Opinionated as always.

Post Script... I got a call back from doctor's office today, Appointment in San Antonio Friday! Sweeeet...