My Want vs. Their Suggestions

I am FINALLY feeling better after almost a whole month being sick!  Began with pink eye, had two colds, and then bronchitis, and now I'm feeling almost 100 % up to par!!!

Well, lets start with the holiday season.  My hubby and I drove to Fresno to see his family, and I was beyond excited!  It was a long drive from Texas to California, but it gave him and I lots of time to catch up and spend some quality time together.  We had an AMAZING Christmas and New Year!  It was so nice being with his family for the holiday!  I miss them so much and so wish we lived closer together.  I am so lucky that we never have any "in-law" issues between our families or hubby and I.  We all get along very well.  I ate so much at his mom and dad's house, I could have not eaten for another week after we left. LOL...  But overall it was an awesome trip and I couldn't have asked for a better time with my family and hubby.

Before we went to Fresno, I had a doctor's appointment in San Antonio to go over new options since I DIDN'T EVEN FREAKING RESPOND to Clomid... And thankfully by the grace of God, my doctor didn't even want to TRY Clomid again! YAY!  So since we were going on vacation to Fresno, we decided to put me on 18 days of Provera to induce/delay my period until we got home, so I would be able to have San Antonio readily accessible for my baseline sonogram.  Well, I had a funky period, I bled one day, then spotted for a few before and after that.  Well I go on "CD 3" (cycle day 3) for an ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries, I was positive and UPBEAT, knowing that I would be starting my Menopur injections that day after we got the OK.  After my 3 hour commute there, I was excited and couldn't wait to get the "go ahead".  Well hell, if you know anything about my life, it must ALWAYS have something get in the way of something going right. HAH. Not always, but usually.  Well lo and behold, my left ovary looked good, onto the right... FUCK... I hear her pause and say "Well there's a cyst that's way to big for us to begin injections".  FUCK FUCK FUCK.  That was my only thought.  I was angry and sad and just plain irritated.  GALL DARNIT... You've got to be fucking kidding me right?  Was my initial reaction to hearing about the big ol' stupid cyst.  So they gave me two options:   1. Do birth control for 3 weeks and see if it makes the cyst go away or 2.  do a progesterone injection to RE-INDUCE my stupid period for the 2nd time in 2 weeks and see if the cyst goes away.  Well fuck, what do I do?  The stupid injection cost 50 bucks, which is not ALOT, but it's enough... And birth control?  Really? I don't want to wait another 3 weeks... FUCK... So I decided to suck up the payment (Tricare won't cover)  and pay the 50 bucks and get stuck in the butt.  HAHA.  My bum still aches, fucking needles. So here I sit, today, 6JAN2011... waiting for my retarded period to start AGAIN.  Good Granny, I can't even begin to explain the emotional issues and ups and downs I have with this.

I would like to say I fine with it, and it will happen one day... But dammit, I want our family to begin completing itself already.  I've been very fortunate to be able to spend time with my husband as a "couple sans kids"  because I feel it's made us very strong and we have an even better bond and love now then we did 2 years ago.  :)  I know my friends get sick of hearing about fertility and my being "sad" or "angry", but you want to know the truth?  I get sick of hearing about your fucking kids! HAH.  So there. LOL.. That's how I feel sometimes, especially when people are complaining about their kiddos.  LIKE really?  Well fuck you, trade me.

My last two nights have been filled with helping a friend who is a head coach (volunteer) for cheerleading, and I am her assistant coach.  It's fun!  It's actually for a large church group with many churches here in SA combined together for sports.  There are total for all sports including cheerleading, 350 kids! WOW!  So my friend and I coach 3rd and 4th graders!  It's a lot of fun!  I enjoy it, and I always love to volunteer my time!  Although I haven't seen my "little" since before Christmas, I am hoping she returns my call soon!  I love that program also, and I think even after I have kids, I may still volunteer with Big Brothers Big Sisters.

So, I know some people reading this may think I am absolutely crazy or insane, oh well it's their opinion.    If you Believe, you do.  If don't Believe, I don't fault you.  So I have always had a gift of being able to sense the presence of spirits that are stuck in between crossing over and those who are mingling around.  I am not sure how I have this gift, and as I've grown older, it has gotten stronger, although it was pretty strong as a kiddo.  I can sense when spirits enter my house and most of the time (not all) I can sense their intentions or "aura" if you will.  In english, I usually can tell if they are good or bad.  :)  I have always been a believer in God of course, and He is my life, the one who protects me and my family and provides for us;  But I also believe that when there is Good, there must be evil.  I don't ever really acknowledge the evil, as I only want and only ACCEPT GOOD and God in our house.  I know that sometimes when I am feeling lost or upset in my life, for me, it sometimes allows my mind to become more perceptive to that evil, and it has caused some disturbance in my life before.

Onto my story... When we moved into our first house here in Texas, in the first few nights we were there we were sleeping in the living room on air mattresses with nothing else in the house.  I woke up around 3:10am needing to pee (as normal) , then decided I was thirsty.  So after I peed I went and stood at the kitchen counter and drank a glass of water, then laid back down.  I was WIDE awake at this point.  I turned onto my side, closed my eyes and tried to drift off.  (One of my biggest issues is insomnia, falling and staying asleep.)  So I was still awake when all of a sudden I hear this God awful, EVIL, nasty deep growl in my ear.  I can honestly say with everything I have ever experienced in life that is fearful, this tops them all.  It wasn't human, it wasn't animal.  I can't even describe it, I get chills still writing about this.  I immediately flew my eyes open, nothing there.  I screamed and began crying and was pretty sure my husband thought I lost my mind that night.  I tried to tell him what I heard and he couldn't explain it and tried to comfort me to go back to sleep.  I didn't sleep again until the sun came up.  This pattern of no sleep went on for a few days.  Nothing else happened, but I just didn't feel right and at peace.  Fast forward about 3 or 4 months....

I had not encountered anything else after that day, all I knew is that the house just didn't "feel" right.  My husband and I were in a dead, dead sleep...To preface this, I had been rearranging furniture in my spare rooms and cleaning things out still from our move that day previously.  We were fucking woke up by this loud, loud bang, which made him and I think someone was trying to break into our house.  We FLEW out of bed, butt ass naked and were searching the house.  Nothing was wrong, no windows broke, all doors secure... Until I walk in to the main spare bedroom.  We have a 3 tier glass entertainment center about 3 ft tall by 4.5 ft wide, you get the picture.  Well all the tiers are glass.  The middle glass piece (which is supported by metal pegs and suction cups holding it in place, very sturdy by the way) was laying directing on top of the lowest piece of glass.  This is what caused the huge BANG.  Well, I know for a fact I checked those pegs and made sure it was still stable after I moved all the furniture in that room.  All my contents on the middle level were laying on the floor not knocked over or anything.  I was like WHAT  THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE.   Well, needless to say again, I didn't sleep until the sun came up, and my husband actually stayed home with me until the sun was up and skipped PT that day for me.  I was fucking out of my mind terrified.  I knew something wasn't right. The way the glass landed and the rules of fucking gravity would have made that glass break and would have not been laying directly ON TOP of the other piece.  Had it slipped, the pegs would have moved it.  I have been through EVERY stinking option and possibility, but nothing worked out.

That day later in the morning, after talking with my mom and dad, who know my little gift, my mom suggested I talk to her friend who is a medium.  He is truly amazing and I love this guy!  He helped me through this, and gave me many ways to get these spirits to leave, yes you heard me right, I had 3 UGLY evil spirits making my life a living hell.  I wouldn't shower with the curtain closed, it had to be wide open, I would stay out of my house during the day until my husband got home from work, I knew something was watching me.  Well he was able to communicate with "them" and told them to leave my house, that didn't work, they said ok, well we will come to yours then.  He was automatically assured that we needed to take a more "angry, stern, NO BS" approach.  I walked around this house so so so many times, as did my husband, and told these spirits to leave, they weren't welcome and to get the hell out of our house.  We had to do this many many many times for a couple days until they passed on.  Come to find out, the original owners of this house had a son who was involved in gang activity, which is evil in itself, and he had been killed.  Well, after talking to my friend, we figured out this house was his connection and he was evil.  They also messed with my Stewie baby.  I was on the couch watching TV one day during the day( which was normally was pretty quiet, yet still not right), and Stewie was on the floor, and (he's always been my clue and reassurance that I am not losing my mind, because he feels and sees it, I can only feel it) he was looking away from me, facing the bookcase, and all of a sudden this poor dog jumped so damn high, straight up in the air, as he would do if I had come up behind him and poked him when he was unaware.  That was my last straw, and absolutely set me off.  I got so angry and started talking shit and telling "them" to fuck with me, but you can't fuck with my dog.  I called my friend, and he said to be firm and strong again, and luckily, later that same night, "they" left and we had the most peaceful household.  I could automatically feel the peace and God's love again.

I know for sure God is what gets me through the "adventures" and incidents I have.  I am lucky to have a supportive husband who always stands by me and never thinks I'm crazy.  He always loves me and listens.  I love him more than LIFE itself.  I could never ask for a better partner in life.  Between the awesome family, God, and wonderful friends I have in life, they are how I keep going, and what makes life fun to live for! :)

I've got many more stories, and actually I'll write tomorrow, because it's been so helpful tonight!  Thanks for reminding me to Blog my DEAR friend Kat! Love you so much girly, and thanks for being there for me, you're truly my long lost "cyster"! <3 you.